You GOT to Know When to Fold 'Em...

There is one subject that I have noticeably avoided for the entirety of my writing career: my love life. Though I am generally an open book for the world to read, I tend to keep that area of my life fairly private. I am always a skeptic at sharing anyone I deal with, largely because the men I associate myself with don’t last past a certain time frame in my life and I refuse to be THAT girl who broadcasts the people I am romantically involved with for the sake of public validation. 

I also don’t like the idea of the judgement that comes with having dated many people… and I have. The magnitude of men I have had to date to find 1 decent one out of the pool is alarming. From the outside looking in (especially if you’re my momma), it can appear that I am a promiscuous 30 something, living out her hoe years. After all, women in their 30s are in their sexual peak. While I am in my prime, I am not having sex with these people though it is automatically assumed that I am because apparently that is the norm. No shade to anyone who lives this way; it’s just not me. Either way, SPOILER ALERT: I eventually gave up on all of it. 

I have made the mistake of posting (even minimally) photos of my man, only for it to fall apart almost IMMEDIATELY after. Next thing you know, I have to tuck my tail between my legs and delete the damn thing like it never happened. Aint nobody got time fo dat.

So, the next time you see someone come across my feed, just know it’s a real one. 

Anyway, recently a question came up in conversation after I shared that I had only been in one healthy relationship. The question prompted was “Why? How was this relationship so much healthier than the others?”

Now, I had spoken openly about this on my Something Social with the James Curls podcast and IG lives, but I figured I would put it in writing on my blog and start incorporating more relationship conversations on my site. 

Here is my answer: the man I was involved with at that time was incredible, which is a lot more than I could say about the majority of people I had dealt with. 

·      Reciprocity. I felt that he matched my expression of care. We hardly ever had moments where we felt things were one sided. That is typically a foreign feeling for me.

·      My love languages were all fulfilled, in the order I needed them.

·      We had effective respectful communication. Any time we needed space from a heated conversation, we came back with a level head and mature approach. When we disagreed on major issues, we heard each other out and were able to agree to disagree without belittling or adding negative energy to the conversation. If one of our needs weren’t being met, we talked about it and tried our best to correct the behavior.

·      I felt free. I never, ever felt judged or ashamed to express myself freely.

·      I felt safe. He held me, emotionally and physically.

·      I felt secure. I never doubted that he was faithful to me. I never thought to question his loyalty to me.

·      I felt supported. He loved being around my system of people and friends, especially since he didn’t have many people here. I liked to be around his brother, his only real circle in Florida. He also supported my endeavors and had become someone I consulted with for some pretty major life moves. 

Now, you may ask me how long we were together. We dated for 6 amazing months before the government intervened. I understand that the first 6-9 months are technically considered honeymoon months and that things get real after your first year together, but I felt more love, more joy, more fulfilled with him than I had in the YEARS dealing with anyone else. The fact that these men could not even hold it together long enough to even pretend that they were someone that they may not have been, is beyond me. And if that’s what this man did, he needs an Oscar.

My idea of what I need my future relationships and partners to look like has shifted in the best way after we ended things, so much that I promised myself that I would never want to NOT feel like that in a relationship again. And I didn’t. I went just about an entire year before I even entertained the idea of dating anyone. I wasn’t even remotely attracted to anyone for a while. I was so upset at the sudden termination of the relationship, and also, I could almost look at someone and know that I wouldn’t be happy with them. My standards have never been more solid or more defined. There is never going to be a time where I feel I will need to settle for less than anything I know will work for me as a companion, or for anything at all in life.

 If I’ve learned anything from Season 2 of Love is Blind, it’s that

a— be with someone who is sure about you (and that you’re sure of). Indecision is a decision.

b— if you look at your partner and feel anything other than safety, peace and security, you have some decisions to make.

Moral of the story: people don’t have to be toxic or horrible in character to simply not be in alignment with your desired life. Move forward with what serves you in this moment.

Know your worth…

And then add tax.