Left on Red...

A super fine and creative School Counselor Sister Bae once showed me an activity she organized for her elementary aged kids. It read: “Take what you need, leave what you can”, and this was the cutest little assignment. She had a giant board on the wall in the school hallway, and the assignment was for the kids to grab a pen and a post it and stick nice words of encouragement to the surface. Whatever words poured into each child that passed, they were able to remove and carry with them for the rest of the day. I thought it was super sweet.

Until I realized that I was the board in the hallway, and the people in my life were the elementary children that took what they needed… and left me with absolutely not a mf thang. As a matter of fact, they take what they need and leave WHEN they can. When it no longer serves them, when I am no longer necessary.

You see, I have what my cousin Tori calls a “healing” spirit. In hindsight, I always have. My soul is an empath extremist, I am highly intuitive, and extremely sensitive to energies. I am often the vibe check. All of these things are super productive in discernment for the people around you if you don’t have piss poor boundary enforcement like I do.

This goes for everyone, even when I haven’t let them in; it can come from a complete stranger or someone I’ve swan dived into the trenches for. I simply attract broken people. I love everyone ridiculously [almost unnecessarily] hard and without limits, and its usually at my own expense. I am a Scorpio, for context. I just can’t keep expecting people to respect my empty cup, or to treat me how I treat them. I heard a quote once that said, “Givers need to make sure they exercise boundaries because takers have none” and it’s the realest thing I read in 2023 so far.

 This has happened with friends as well who have taken and left, but when it comes to men…….!!!! WHEW. I know I am being the quote queen right now, but I truly am constantly desired but never loved all the way through. These mens love the idea of me, and if by some chance they gain access, they have absolutely no clue what to do with me. its been proven repeatedly.

It has gotten to the point where I am doing more self-reflection to identify patterns (because at the moment, I can’t find any with respect to romantic interactions; every single person I am involved with is very different). Like, what do I need to heal inside of myself so that I can find healed people who won’t leave me entirely depleted? Someone that I can reciprocally pour into freely… that is all I want.

And what do I learn? Boundaries. Self-preservation. Nothing profound or instrumental to my self-advancement. I can identify that I am already infinitely more self-aware than these people. Don’t worry, I am starting therapy back up this year. Maybe there is something I am missing that they can help me identify… I end up pouring into people who can’t give me what I need even if they tried. You better believe they will know how to apply themselves for the next chick they want to take seriously though, now that they know how they need to operate in a real setting with a real woman. Build-a-boo is still open to the men in their 30s+, I suppose, but I just submitted my 47th notice of separation from the organization. Wish me luck.

It is honestly just the biggest blessing that I don’t need anyone the way I am always instrumental in these children’s learning and development… they even throw in a “thank you for helping me learn things about myself” for a little extra razzle dazzle when it ends. They’re truly all my sons. For sure, I am everybody’s mother and nobody’s baby….

I heal the world. I make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race…