No Love Lost, but No Job Found...

A lot has changed in the last 6 months. I have had some major life updates since my last blog post. I had been sucked into a vortex of work and staring at my ceiling fan. I have also been experiencing the weirdest year of all my 34 with regard to my romantic life, but we can go ahead and put a pin in that for another blog. It took me a little bit to recalibrate after the latest, most important change, but I am finally at a place of acceptance with the issue at hand: I was laid off from my job a few weeks ago and its time I about it.

In my latest role, I was a Quality Assurance Manager for a private laboratory (mistake #1). The company hired me on to test Covid samples, as I had obtained my Molecular Pathology license through the state of Florida in 2020. In just one year I catapulted to the top of the ranks and spent the last year under their employment managing their quality systems (or lack thereof), until the realization that more and more people cared about Covid testing less and less, thus drastically reducing Covid funding coming into the company. They simply couldn’t afford to continue paying everyone they’d acquired during the pandemic, and that’s when they reached for their scissors. Being that I was the first position of its kind, and it showed, I was in the line of fire. They decided not only to let me go, but discontinue a quality “team” altogether, distributing my responsibilities to people who would never see any more money for acquiring more obligations. They also disassembled a whole other department of people.

There are 100,000 terrible things I could say about the organization, but I will not do that. Instead, I will tell you that waking up every day and going to that building was quite literally draining the life and soul from my body. The environment was not healthy, no matter how hard my team and I worked to reverse it, the resources and support in my role were lacking, and I noticed that my anxiety had skyrocketed to its peak leading up to the layoff. It did not affect the quality and dedication to my work, as that is not how my ethic works, but it did affect my morale and mental health. It was almost as if my body reacted in an anticipatory shut down. The night before the layoff, I told my family how much I didn’t want to go back into work. Like, I physically didn’t want to be inside the building. And the feeling was exceptionally overwhelming that Sunday night. About 14 hours later, I did not have a job.

Nobody talks about grieving in its entirety. Losing something or someone that was a major part of your life, leaving you feeling like you are out on your own in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean like a castaway. This includes the loss of work as well. While I am not grieving the loss of that job in particular, the fact that I have left every other job in my life on my own terms and the idea of not having income (though temporary), is really damaging to my sanity at this moment. I went through a mix of emotions: panic/anxiety, shame, pride, hurt, anger, you name it.

But the main emotion I felt was confusion. For one, I was confused about how this could happen to me. I know I am not Thanos, but damn. I was always on the other end of this situation. I have been a personal and professional reference to more of my friends than I can count. Now it was my turn. Now, I needed to put my pride to the side and ask for their help. I realized that I pride myself a little too strongly on my work ethic and success. That was a large part of self-validation for me. But who was I without that job? I believe this is my task to figure out in this transitory season and unlearning that this experience affects or defines my value or worth, my abilities, nor does it make me a failure. While there are elements of this situation that compel me to take this personally, this was not an occasion of bad behavior; this was a business move for the benefit of the company, and I personally had very little to do with their decision.

However, my confusion was still largely fueled by the burning question remaining: WTF do I do now? I am thankful for my support system that allows me the luxury of taking my time finding the right fit for the next phase of my life and allowing me to position myself in a way that cushioned the brunt of this loss. I don’t know many people as fortunate. But what the actual heck was I supposed to do? What direction should I go in? Should I work on a business and leave the rat race? Should I find more work in my field? Do I need to go back to school and/or sit for more certifications? Should I take a hard left? Should I try my hand at TikTok (LOL)?

These corporations don’t care about me or you and will replace you before your family has had the chance to bury you if you dropped dead. Another major lesson I am taking from this experience is to use your PTO. Prioritize rest. Learn what self-care looks like for you and DO. THAT. SHIT. You’re replaceable at work, not at home. I have burned myself out by bending over backwards and disrespecting my own boundaries with this job more than any of its predecessors. Now look where it got me.

In this moment I am applying like crazy, networking, thinking of a master plan and my next move to execute it, but I am also resting, and I am doing literally WHATEVER TF I WANT. That is something I have never in my adult life had the chance to sit back and do. I have even picked back up on my writing and content creating for SoFloMo and Something Social w/ @thejamescurls. I may travel a bit and do more solo trips until something sticks.

One thing I know fa sho, God gon move me when it’s time for me to go. That can also apply to relationships of any kind, but it holds especially true to my career. The only real time I can hear God’s voice is when it is time for me to transition to the next level in my career, which I guess is better than the nothing I hear at every other aspect of my life. Each time I make that change; the place I left pretty much goes to hell in a handbasket. I dodge the bullet every time.

Because I recognize and respect when it is my time to go.
Because I am not a tree.

Because it is not ON me.

BECAUSE ITS IN ME.