Bih, I Am the Table!

“The relationship with yourself must be authentic.”

Fresh off the high of Something Social and my 34th birthday, I felt it appropriate to address an issue a little further in depth than I had in some of my other posts (for reference, see: “Before You Say You Need Somebody” and “Working on Me 24/8”).

The topic: high value. What is it? WHO is it? Where is it? We were asking our Something Socialites (I just made that up) what defines a person as “high value” and they did not disappoint with their views. I don’t remember what I said about myself, but it had to do with me “having more to offer than that”, whatever that was (probably sex). Someone stood up in the crowd:

“Okay, so what do you offer? What do you bring to the table? GO.”

Low key (visibly, more high key probably) I was a deer in headlights. I wrote in a previous post about how I blank out when it comes to “selling myself” or telling people why I am amazing. He took me off guard with that question for about 6 seconds, then I regrouped and started spitting what I felt to be supa hot fiya for about 45 seconds before another thought or person took the conversation in a different direction. 

When it was said and done, I had realized that I left out ALL the things. So, I decided to share my list of my own (which will include the things I mentioned that night), and I invite you to reflect for a moment and think of yours as well. A big, real, round booty definitely made my list (as men tend to prioritize that) but there is SO much more than that. Feel free to skim, because my list is THICK and fine from the cornbread and the cabbage….

Not that I have anything to prove to anybody, but just keep in mind I generated this list based on what makes me attractive to the opposite sex while on my search for companionship. Your list could be for the same prompt, or just a simple self-assessment. Just about all of these make up a decent human being though, so it is applicable in any scenario.

Here’s what I came up with (in no particular order):

Let’s start with my BASICS—

I am in shape and am mindful of my health and fitness. This one might be a little more important than the others to men, especially if they place emphasis on what is called “sexual marketplace value”, which is just a fancy way of asking yourself “how much does society want to reproduce with me?” (Also see: WHO TF CARES). But men are physical creatures, and they tend to like women who are “in shape”. I happen to be blessed genetically as far as my build, but even without that I work out and generally take pride in my appearance and what I am putting in my body (I say this as I write this post with Oreos and chips). 

I am educated. I have an Associate of Science in Biology, a Bachelor of Art in Biology, and a Bachelor of Science in Neuroscience & Behavior. I am certified and licensed in Molecular Pathology. In my free time, I do random shit like take a certification course in Brain Health.

Education doesn’t always equate to intelligence, but I am that too… intellectually and emotionally. What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? Check out Something Social w/ @thejamescurls episode on all streaming platforms about Emotional Quotient, but it basically means your ability to manage, understand, and recognize your emotions as they come. I am not the absolute smartest and most emotionally controlled individual, but I can hold my own and I’d like to think I am decently well rounded. 

I was raised right. While I understand that it is a privilege to have had a two-parent household my whole life, I will say they and the village that it took to raise my sister and me did an exceptional job instilling our moral compasses and common sense. Everybody (regardless of how hard their guardians tried) does not have their heads screwed on straight. I feel lucky to be where I am despite what one could classify as “daddy issues”. I also think I make good [life] decisions, generally. By no means 10/10 on the decisions, but I make enough good ones to land me in a good position in life.

I have a good job. I will gloat all day, every day about this one because I actually worked my little brown booty off to get where I am; ask anyone I know. I put in the hours and time studying for my degrees, I worked the crappy jobs and crappy schedules with even crappier management and abuse, and I sacrificed for what I have now. I am financially stable and virtually financially independent, and you have no idea how many tears I have cried to get to this point at the expense of my mental health, which suffered while on this journey. Therefore, newsflash fellas: I am not interested in you for your money, nor does flashing it and flaunting it turn me on. 

I don’t have any kids. Not that having kids is a negative thing, but I imagine it to have a bearing on finding a partner, especially if your preference is to find someone who does not have any of his own. That, in itself, is a pro because any way you slice it, existing children are extra points of  consideration when two people come together in a relationship. Most people my age have all types of “baggage” that they will need to carry into relationships, and the fact that I don’t makes me a 34-year-old unicorn. 

MINIMUM, unspecified requirements:

I am loyal. You will not have to worry about me stepping out. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to do so. 

I am kind. I don’t have a mean or violent bone in my body (anymore). 

I am patient. Sometimes this becomes a detriment, but it ties into me being understanding of your circumstances.

I am communicative. I am still working on this one, but for the most part you will not have to guess how I am feeling. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so my body language also communicates. I pick my battles and have an internal monologue before addressing the issue at hand. And when it is time to talk things through, I am tactful with doing so. I can be blunt, but I do not use that as a weapon unlike most people who claim it.

I am reliable. I will be there for my loved ones in any capacity that I am able to be. I want the best for everyone, even strangers. 

I am responsible. I will commit to things I have obligations to. I will never leave people in a bad predicament if I can help it. I make my movements and decisions with my partner in mind.

I am rational. I do not engage in anything (conversations, activities, general decisions) based off emotion alone. Every move I make, I analyze. And then I analyze it again. 

I am submissive. I don’t know how much this means to people in 2021, but I am traditional in that sense. I like the idea of allowing my man to be the head of my household, but I am the neck. I am the rib; I will submit to a man I trust with my being and the being of a potential family. This is not a luxury that every man can afford with me, so if I trust you enough to let my guard down in every capacity, you will see a completely different side of me.

I am honest. Why are grown adults still lying? I try not to say or do anything that jeopardizes anything I love or want to keep. 

My CORE:

I am in touch with who I am. Here is how:

I am secure. I know who I am and usually what I want, but I am also not proud. I am humble because I know everything can be taken away from me, and because I know some of my major aspects of my life exists in a space of privilege.

I am self-aware. Emotionally intelligent and accountable. I do not live in a fairy tale land. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I know when I have done wrong, and I am not too proud to apologize when it happens or when I have hurt someone. 

I am mature. I am currently the best version of myself out of all my 34 years at this moment. I still have work to do though. 

I am evolving. I am not closed-minded. I don’t pretend to know everything because I don’t. I am always in a state of healing and positive energy. I don’t surround myself with people or things that make me think or feel negatively, so you won’t have to deal with toxic friends and family from my end. I am working on myself through therapy (though I am currently looking for a new therapist) and introspection so that I can amplify my best self. I have also dealt with my emotional baggage and trauma from previous relationships and upbringing and am actively working on my healing.

I can offer you support in the form of:

Financial support… I can hold my own and it is only up from here. I will not be a financial burden for you, as I would want the same contribution. If we fall on hard times, I will work to keep us in good standing until you get on your feet.

Emotional support... I am a safe place. You don’t have to put on for me, you don’t have to have a wall up. I will treat you like a human as long as I have the same respect. I am not here to judge you. That does nothing for me.

Trust... I will not use your confidential information as leverage over you. I will not hold it against you or rub it in your face, partly because I know how it feels. What kind of person do you have to be to do that to someone? You can also trust that I will not put you in jeopardy physically either. 

So let’s revisit the question: what is a high value [person]?

I wrote these to get them all down somewhere, and well, why not publish it? But my ultimate goal with this post is to inspire you to not only look within yourself and identify your strengths and amazing attributes, but also to help you gain confidence in knowing yourself and why you’re great. Recognizing the value and beauty that you offer the world and acknowledging that no one else can contribute what you contribute to the lives you encounter is a confidence booster and I think may help you in finding and maintaining healthy relationships. 

If these attributes do not make you high value, I don’t know what will.