Me, Myself, & I is All I've Got in the End; That's What I Found Out.

I saw a quote on Instagram one day that resonated with me heavily. It said “I have a friend that always asks me before venting/sharing concerns if I ‘have the mental space for it right now’, and I gotta say… that willingness to respect boundaries and not demand a loved one dedicate emotional energy they may not have that day is the healthiest s*** ever.”

My life in a nutshell. I have severely limited mental and emotional capacity anymore. I almost wish I could just stop knowing as much as I know! 

I spent the better part of my 32nd birthday-eve in a full blown anxious meltdown. I contemplated requesting a “sister hug” from Ney, but I felt that since I had already partially met my meltdown quota for the day (in front of her, at least), I had become too embarrassed. [She is going to read this and thump me on the forehead for not telling her any of this]. I had a rough day because I had spent the afternoon in the hospital with my mother after an incident that had taken place that morning, and my best friend was also having a terrible day following a few threads of bad news. And my plans to meet up with my friend boy that evening had fallen through, which was my safe space where I find calmness. All the things that I had been suppressing (revolving around myself but mostly those I love) had resurfaced, and I couldn’t handle it; much like any of my other typical anxiety attacks.  By 8pm, I was emotionally spent. My cousin describes this type of anxiety as “crying because there are children starving in Africa”. **To my defense, that shit is sad!!** Anyway, I call it peripheral anxiety. I am insanely sensitive to the strife of those around me (and apparently not around me).  If you’re hurting, I am hurting, and I don’t care who or where you are in relation to me. 

Allow me time to think of a way to ask you if you’re being selfish without attaching the negative stigma to it. That word is taboo. Our innate nature is to know that in most contexts, this makes you a bit of a dick. I am not saying its “cute”, but it is for sure necessary for your mental health. My fellow empaths know the value of mental liberation.  

The older I become, the more sensitive I am to energies around me. I am taking back complete control of this. I find myself having to filter the energy I allow around me, for the sake of my sanity. I do not take this lightly. After many years of taking an emotional beating from others’ life woes, ya girl is TIRED. 

I mentioned a few posts ago about being a “ride or die” for your loved ones. The perspective I had given was for bae, but this can actually apply to any and everyone. Again, the more I try to ride for someone, the more I find I would rather just die. It’s just that I have been in situations where someone I love has asked me to do something that would compromise my mental freedom, and sometimes my freedom as an American citizen. Oftentimes, because of who they are to me, I feel obligated to help. I don’t like applying that kind of pressure to myself, or allowing others to do so either. 

I think the hardest part of all of this is whether or not I am being asked to participate, I still feel like I am the one having to go through what they are going through. I tend to lose sleep over issues that aren’t my own, and I have full-blown moments of anxiety about them. I often cry, too! I wish I knew how to let that go, and learn to stop taking on peoples’ issues like I am the one with the dilemma. 

Reevaluate your available energy any time you feel exhausted after, or even before, you have a conversation with someone. It is ok to tell someone that you are not able to properly digest such information at that time. And from the other perspective, it is definitely a good habit to get into to ask about the available mental capacity a person has/the space they may be in before unleashing your demons to them.

Send help.