Before You Say You Need Somebody

Make it make sense. Carefree is cool but not at my expense.

A couple weeks ago, while on our Something Social Distancing Instagram Live with @thejamescurls (shameless plug), someone submitted a question asking whether or not I would date someone who “worked at McDonald’s”—not disclosing hypothetical bae’s position exactly. It was irrelevant; I knew what they were implying. There seemed to have been a little confusion surrounding the answer I gave, though. 

Though my track record begs to differ, I said the answer to that question was a no for me, dawg; I would not want to date said implied McDonald’s cashier. Here’s why: I firmly believe that you should work on yourself with as much ferocity as possible, especially if you are not remotely near your idea of satisfactory living. This situation is strictly in the financial sense. There is more to be said about other priorities. But as far as I am concerned, I do not work at Build-a-Bear, and I am in no position to coddle a man in his 30s+ to want or do better for himself. I would hope that he is making his attempt to find a career, but the only way to know that is to involve myself in his personal life, which is already getting too deep with them. 

I also do not want this person to infringe upon my own finances, credit score, freedom to move about, etc. It is not worth it for me at this stage in my life; maybe I was a little more lenient about it in my 20s when I also did not have any parts of my shit together.

I am not saying that a lazy man is always the reason for a ride on the struggle bus. It could be timing, it could be a reset and restart in a different direction in one’s career, maybe Dude was laid off, or is just doing the best he can in general. I am not in the business of judging the stages it takes for you to become what you feel most comfortable as, but that doesn’t mean I am interested in being a part of that process, and that is my prerogative. I would never involve a person to an unsure journey of mine unless I met you with no intention to be in a relationship, which also happens. Sometimes people stumble upon love with no intent on connecting with the other person, but God has other plans. These are special cases. 

Okay, STORYTIME! As usual, I have a story to tell that shapes the way I view this matter. That is usually the case when I have a passionate perspective on a given subject. I recently ended a relationship with someone who treated me like a queen, but did not have a lot of his life figured out. I stuck it out with him because I saw value in the other things that he provided to our relationship. I saw his trajectory. I saw his vision. He was actively taking steps to get there; applying to a masters program to further his passion, working two jobs to make sure he stayed afloat, yet still managing to minimize impact on how he loved me and made time for our relationship. I can see people through in less than desirable situations that they may find themselves in. I am not some kind of monster. That is one example of my track record differing from this unpopular opinion that I am ranting about. Does that mean I am interested in doing it again if I can help it, though? No. No it doesn’t. 

Also, I have experience with the more extreme, worst case scenario. I believe this had the heaviest influence on my POV. This individual put me through a multitude of experiences, both healthy and unhealthy, but we will focus for now on the relevant information. 

A dreamer, he had all the goals and ambition in the world, but it was through him that I learned the difference between ambition and hustle. No drive to pay the bills that were required for today; he ONLY saw the bigger picture and for a big chunk of our relationship, flat out refused to get a 9-5 (even if only temporarily) to ensure he still had a phone plan to even conduct his business on. I was in my mid twenties at the time, and was nowhere near where I needed to be in life, so I did not require much more out of him. I also had no job for a good part of it all, but I had my own money from other resources and made sure I was able to sustain the handful of bills I did have. I was a full time pre-med student preparing for medical and/or physician assistant postgraduate school. He, on the other hand, had nothing. He was not enrolled into school; he had no car, no job, no health insurance, and no real intention to pursue anything in particular that was tangible. He had a business that he did want to take off, which I really admired, but knew would take years to get it to a point where he could profit even a red cent from. 

By the time I was finished with him, he had all of those things because I lit a fire under him, supported him (sometimes even financially with the little that I was working with), and got him to think more realistically and practically. Your intentions ain’t gonna pay your bills. And neither am I. When it was all said and done, I was exhausted, and the only thing I left that relationship was bruises to my heart and mind. I poured into him (and others before now) and it is tiring, especially if it ends up being nonreciprocal. 

Lets all do ourselves a favor and get realistic about the things that are expected of us, and what we expect out of potential partners. Things change about what you prospects of a person who is 30+. Here are some things to consider when you are trying to get serious:

ü Make yourself available.

o  Emotionally

§ Do you have the emotional capacity to care for another? Are you in a space to form healthy emotional connections with someone? Be honest with yourself.

§ Are you dealing with your traumas in a healthy way? Emotional reactions can stem from emotional trauma that may or may not have been addressed properly.

o  Financially 

§ Be prepared for someone to get all up in your business with questions about your financial literacy and income. This will impact their lives if you get to a point with that person where you may want to invest in things together that require multiple incomes or may just want to be shared in general (i.e. living spaces, phone bills, KIDS, etc.).

o  Physically 

§ Can you spare time in your life to devote to another? One issue I have with people sometimes is time management. My number one love language is quality time, and if I cant get that the way I need it, I don’t feel valued. Make sure you have time or can make some for somebody, including yourself.

§ Get serious about your health. The older you get, the harder it is to form habits and to also maintain health. Your body isn’t going to be forever 21. Eat healthy, exercise, and make sure you can lessen the chances of dying prematurely from preventable diseases due to poor lifestyle choices. 

o  Mentally

§ Make sure you have the mental fortitude for the rollercoaster ride that is a relationship. It is freaking exhausting. Or when times get tough, i.e. you lose your job, a loved one passes away, you get into a car accident, you suffer a miscarriage, a quarantine with your S/O, etc. you have to be strong enough to not only handle the processing of these events, but do whatever is necessary to maintain a healthy bond with your partner. Do you have hustle?

o  Spiritually 

§ Check your character.  Don’t be a dick.

§  I believe in being equally yoked with your partner, which is why I could not be in a long-term relationship with an atheist or anyone of another religion. So if this is a priority for you, make sure you’ve gotten your heart right with whomever you report to.

o  Relationships will eventually require all of these. Make sure you have the capability of giving and receiving love. Be in a space where you are ready to address traumas that may interfere with these areas, if you have not already. Heal. That’s one of the most productive things you can do for yourself and your partner, in my opinion.

ü Dead your situationships. 

o  Don’t be afraid to be alone for a while, but also don’t expect to be able to sustain something true with these “friends” lingering around, feeling comfortable enough to FaceTime you at 10:30pm. You don’t have to wait until you’ve met your S/O. I mean, you can, but figure out why you’re so afraid to be alone with yourself first…

o  Figure out the dynamic you have with your coparent. Some people are difficult to get along with, but exhaust all options before you ask someone to put up with any relevant drama, indefinitely. 

o  Get your hoe phase out. You cant be public property and private property at the same time.

ü Know what you bring to the table.

o  Do you know what it is that makes you a valuable partner? Are you encouraging? Affectionate? Can you contribute to this person emotionally? Financially? 

§ Ladies: there is more to offer a man than a big booty that looks good in a Fashion Nova fit, cooking, and sex.

§ Fellas: there is more to offer a woman than a full beard, sex, and money.

Put your best foot forward. Focus on maximizing the season you find yourself in. Ask yourself: if I met me as a different person, would I be happy with getting involved with all that I have going on? Would I be okay with what is being offered and who I am as a person? Personally, I would not consider getting involved with someone until I was positive and confident about the things I bring to the table, be it financially or otherwise. I would never ask someone to offer something that I, too, could not provide. That is just me. I do not want this to be misunderstood as me being a gold-digger (because I can buy my own of anything my heart desires, so that is not the issue), nor do I want the misconception of your finances being a reflection of your value. That is not the case at all. There are some amazing people who are in a bad place in life in that aspect, just like there are some wonderful people you might overlook for literally any other preference. But we can’t negate that the financial respect is a REAL THING. Last I heard, finances were the leading cause of divorce, not infidelity, not domestic violence… finances. 

If that makes me choosy, I’ll be that.