Smell the Flowers, Blow Out the Candles.

Hi. I’m Mo, and I suffer from debilitating anxiety that I developed in my early adulthood.  At this exact moment and every day since the 1st of December, I have been unable to function beyond the absolutely necessary. My laundry has piled up, my hair needs to be washed and styled, and I have what appears to be the shadoobie of a grown human person conveniently baked from the warm SoFlo sun onto the hood of my car, the size of a literal Snickers bar. These are all things I would typically take care of in the beginning of the month (except my hair, obviously; I do that more frequently), but I have only enough energy to make it to work and back, and an occasional gym session fail. My anxiety exhausts me mentally and physically. I am on the other side of this monster but the way it’s currently set up, I have averaged about 4 hours a night of sleep, slowly gained close to 10 lbs (dating back to the end of October/beginning of November-- which may or may not be attributed also to Publix vanilla buttercream birthday cake for 31 straight days), and my period was several days tardy for the party. Not entirely mad at that last one, but the PMS was really real over the last 7 days and just wouldn’t let up.

While I have yet to figure out how NOT to get to this point, I’ve learned that my triggers revolve around PMS, over caffeinating myself, work, distress for someone close to me (because my own problems are apparently not enough), future adulting decisions, and general stress.

In this case particularly, lets just say it was a matter of someone I cared deeply for “relocating very suddenly” and a wholesome combination of all of the above. I can always tell the onset of my anxiety because the acetone used when I get my nails done burns my raw and bloody cuticles and I generally become rather obsessively compulsive.

I have noticed that when I am anxious about my future, its because I am stressing about the next big move. Simply put, I couldn’t wait to graduate college so I could work. Now just freaking look at me! I can’t wait to find a career that won’t force me to live off my mommy or Ramen noodles. I have been climbing the ladder and its still not enough, partly because I am 32 and still don’t make enough to live alone in South Florida (which is another story for another time). 

I am still learning how to cope with my anxiety management. I have experimented with CBD oil (fail), mindfulness/meditation (partial fail), and therapy (colossal fail). The only thing that has worked consistently for me is the gym. I am a firm advocate for the endorphins. My anxiety is no longer linked to depression because of my happy little hormones that flow freely, thanks to my commitment to stay active. The gym is actually my answer for everything. Feeling anxious? Gym. Need a man? Gym. Revenge body? Gym. Hair in your food? Gym. They got you effed up at work and you want to punch someone in the throat? Gym. And also whiskey.  ;)